Supreme Court Fight Club
Written by Ben Pekay
What if the Supreme Court Justices had a one night UFC card?
This would be the fights of all fights. Who wouldn't pay to see these notoriously private justices settle their political and private differences in the octagon. This would be a one night event with all current supreme court justices taking part in the event.
Ref: Chief Justice John Roberts
Since Anthony Kennedy has retired, Roberts has been the swing vote justice. He is perfect to be the referee in the octagon. He can be trusted to make quick and accurate decisions. Although he favors the right leaning justices in the ring, he will also make the decision that he believes is right.
Stephen Breyer vs Elena Kagan
In the opening matchup of the night we have Stephen Breyer vs Elana Kagan. Breyer weighs in at 6’1 and 200 pounds. He is going to look to use his punches to beat Kagan, since he is an accomplished boxer. Breyer can end a match very quickly with his right hand. While Breyer is an accomplished boxer, Kagan is an experienced wrestler and a master at takedowns. She weighs in at 130 pounds and is 5’5. She is a little undersized for a UFC fighter but she is still a formidable opponent.
1st round: The bell rings and the two meet in the middle of the ring. 14 seconds in, Breyer lands a punch combo and Kagan crumbles to the ground. It is all over. This is Breyer’s first UFC win.
Samuel Alito vs Sonia Sotomayor
These two are on the opposite end of political spectrums. Alito is conservative when Sotomayor is very liberal. Sotomayor is 5’8 and 150 pounds. Sotomayor is from a poor area of New York City. She learned how to fight from the streets. Sotomayor’s strengths are her submissions. She is able to make any opponent tap out especially with her armbar. Alito is 6’0 and 190 pounds. Alito is known for his kicks and is a master of kickboxing. Alito will be tough competition for Sotomayor.
1st round:This is the most exciting round so far tonight. Sotomayor immediately goes for the submission but Alito is able to break out and land kicks on Sotomayor. Midway through the round, Alito is able to land a kick and gives Sotomayor a bloody nose. Sotomayor continues to fight and eventually the round ends.
2nd round: Midway through the round Sotomayor looks like she has the upper hand. She is able to land a few punches from up close. She is able to knock Alito to the ground and on the ground she is able to establish an armbar and Alito taps out.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg vs Neil Gorsuch
In the left corner coming in at 5’1, 100 pounds and 87 years old we have Ruth Bader Ginsburg. She is known for her takedowns of her opponents with supreme court decisions and in the octagon. Although she is 87 years old, you cannot underestimate her. She has the speed of a cheetah and the stamina of a horse. She has a strict training regimen that includes uneven pushups and planks. You don't want to be in the octagon with her. RBG will want to get close to Neil Gorsuch and use her leg kicks and takedowns to beat Grosuch. Across from RBG, we have Neil Gorsuch. Neil Gorsuch is 6’6 and 170 pounds. He has the advantage over RBG in height and weight. He will want to keep RBG at a distance and use his long reach to strike her. Since Neil Gorsuch is a Trump supporter and RBG is an avid critic of Trump, this fight will settle the political difference between the two.
1st round: Gorsuch has the upper hand. He is able to hit a majority of punches and keeps RBG at a distance. Neil Gorsuch goes on the offensive towards the end of the round and lands 5 punches in a row but RBG is able to survive the round.
2nd round:The beginning of the round looks the same as the 1st. Gorsuch is able to land a majority of the punches and RBG looks helpless. Midway through the round everything changes. Gorsuch looks exhausted and RBG is able to go on the offensive. She is able to land lots of kicks. Neil Gorsuch is barely able to get out of a choke hold when the round ends.
3rd round: “It's all over. The 87 year old has done it.” Midway through the third round an exhausted Neil Gorsuch is knocked out by a RBG kick. After she wins, RBG stands on the octagon and yells at Donald Trump in the audience to fight her. Donald Trump then accepts the fight for a future card.
Brett Kavanaugh vs Clarence Thomas
Although they are similar on the political scale, they have one major issue with each other. They disagree on who had a tougher confirmation hearing. In 2018, during Kavanaugh’s confirmation hearing, Christine Blasey Ford testified that he assaulted her. Kavenaugh denied the allegations and he was confirmed in a 50-48 vote. Kavenaugh is 6’1 and 170 pounds. He is an accomplished boxer and also has a little wrestling experience. Clarence Thomas was confirmed in 1991. During his confirmation hearing, Anita Hill claimed that he harassed her. Thomas was eventually confirmed in a 52-48 vote. Clarence Thomas is 5’7 and 180 pounds. He is also an accomplished boxer and has a dangerous right hook.
1st round: It is off to a slow start with both fighters in a defensive position. About a minute in Kavanaugh goes on the offensive. He goes for a left hook but Clarence Thomas counter attacks and hits a giant right hook to Brett Kavanaugh's kidney and he crumples to the ground. Chief justice John Roberts rings the bell and calls the fight.